Sabbatical Self-Actualization
Table of Contents
Origin
2026-07-15 therapy notes (journal): discussion of how to actually self-actualize (100kg → target ~90kg but doesn't believe he'll get there), and how privilege connects to imposter syndrome.
Open questions
- What's Caleb's "center" now that he's not working? Most people's
center is their job; his primary identity/daily objective is
unclear during the sabbatical.
- Candidate: the daily todo list / planning system itself — but this creates a disconnect between day-to-day self and the longer-horizon ambition self (e.g. wanting to ship an app by month's end, but not always feeling the mood/energy on the day a todo says to work on it).
- Weekly mini-trips as a way to manufacture novelty outside YouTube — could double as Mandarin practice and as a way to find/enjoy the best of Taiwan before it's "hypothetically taken away."
- What has the sabbatical revealed so far? Can lose weight; enjoys reading Mandarin; more to discover.
- Energy ratio to monitor: avoidance-framed goals ("avoid enjoying my privilege," "avoid guilt of not losing weight," "avoid embarrassment by not speaking Mandarin") are negative-energy, though sometimes useful (e.g. preventing overeating). Forward-seeking framing (gym goals, Mandarin fluency) is positive-energy. Aim: shift toward the latter, focus less on shame/guilt.
- Why the self-limiting? Candidate explanations: privilege-guilt (witnessed an "arrogant white guy" get socially punished for oversharing, and avoiding that fate); the idea that not using privilege to help others helps nobody; excuse-making to dodge hard decisions (e.g. whether to keep being an engineer); disbelief in deserving happiness or in being the best at something — possibly tied to social stigma against arrogance, or fear of disappointment, echoing a broader hesitation to get emotionally invested in competitive games.
- Mandarin: reading/writing feel more tractable than speaking, because speaking requires holding a whole sentence in short-term memory before it comes out.
- Is novelty-seeking (reading many books) an ADHD pattern that conflicts with pursuing larger long-term goals?